Analysis Paralysis

Analysis Paralysis Glaive

Early game in the Fold, Glaive moseys down to the jungle shop as his support, Catherine, helps Celeste prevent a gank up in lane. Thus far, he has invested in some weapon damage, attack speed and critical chance to beef up his overall stats and, with a fat stack of gold on hand, he’s ready to buy his first tier three item. Approaching the weird, little man that rides the shop beast, he surveys the wares with a hint of hesitation. The Shop Creep (in this context “creep” is not used to describe him physically like the creatures of the jungle, but more so his extremely off-putting personality) smiles a haphazard grin and rubs his filthy hands together.

Shop Creep– What’ll ya have?

Glaive– I am thinking.

Shop Creep (winking a greasy eye-lid)- Thinking about that hot little number with the big shield, eh? I wouldn’t mind if she trapped me in that bubble with her.

Glaive glares behind his blindfold. The Shop Creep is oblivious and continues fantasizing.

Glaive– My choice must be perfect, to ensure total annihilation of my foes.

Shop Creep– Well, there are plenty of great items, perchance a Sorrowblade for optimal power?

Glaive– Strong, but slow. I require balance.

Shop Creep– Then a Tornado Trigger, speed and burst damage potential!

Glaive– Maybe…

Shop Creep– You know, usually folks just grab something and move on, this isn’t a turn-based game.

Glaive (growling)- It has to be perfect!

Shop Creep– Okay! You’re feeling contemplative today, I get it. Can I offer some more personal advice?

Glaive– I’d rather you didn’t.

Shop Creep– Well, I’m going to anyway because I lack social grace. You see, sometimes there are so many gorgeous women frolicking around this place, I don’t know who to leer at first. Then I remember what my dear ole Dad once told me, “Start with the biggest boobs and work your way down.” It was something his father had told him that was passed down from his father before. Generations of giving unwanted attention to women has evolved me in an oogling aficionado of the highest order. So, I ask, what ancient knowledge runs through your veins?

Glaive considers this, and then allows himself to slip down an introspective tunnel, traveling through the experience of his ancestors that battled and hunted throughout Halcyon for millennia. When his consciousness finally comes to rest, he finds himself standing before a small fire. The world is fierce and primal, a lake filling the spot where the lane should be. A low growl brings his focus back to the fire, another Grangor is squatting next to it, roasting some small creature. The new Grangor also has an axe, but it’s made from bone rather than the cool metal of Glaive’s. This Grangor has striped fur but he too wears a blindfold.

Prehistoric Glaive– What do you seek, child?

Glaive– I have come from the future to—

Prehistoric Glaive holds up a paw.

Prehistoric Glaive– I understand spiritual time travel. Get to the point.

Glaive– I don’t know what my first tier three item should be.

Prehistoric Glaive– Are your enemies mighty?

Glaive– Puny humans ready for slaughter.

Prehistoric Glaive– In that case, build Tension Bow so that you can deal 85% of your weapon power as true damage. The burst will delete all foes before you.

Glaive– Actually, that’s been changed. It now does 250 bonus damage with 30% armor pierce. Still strong, but falls off late game.

Prehistoric Glaive– My word, the future is a strange place. We must seek further counsel on this matter. (turning toward a nearby cave) Father, our descendent needs us!

Another Grangor lumbers from the cave. He is ever more imposing than Prehistoric Glaive. His head adorned with the skull of some slain tusked beast with feathers encircling his crown. Prehistoric Glaive Tier 2 approaches the fire.

Prehistoric Glaive Tier 2– Ahhh, so you seek to crush your foes, see them driven before you, and hear the lamentations of their minions?

Glaive– Yes, great one.

Prehistoric Glaive Tier 2– Then you need a Breaking Point! 5% Armor pierce per stack, at 20 stacks they will crumble like over-baked cookies.

Prehistoric Glaive– He speaks true, purchase the Breaking Point.

Glaive– I would, but that too has been changed. The armor pierce has been removed for critical chance. Strong, but less impactful.

Prehistoric Glaive– Who makes such rash decisions as these?

Glaive (shrugs)- Someone looking for a balanced game based on skill, I suppose.

Prehistoric Glaive Tier 2– We must reach out to the elder.

Prehistoric Glaive– Will he come?

Prehistoric Glaive Tier 2– He shall. Father!!

A deep growl is heard from the cave. Followed by heavy footfalls and the scuffing of a massive weapon being dragged through the gravel. Just shy of cave entrance, the figure stops, still hidden by shadows.

Prehistoric Glaive Tier 3– Who calls for me?

Glaive (looking confused)- Is he coming out?

Prehistoric Glaive Tier 3– I cannot, not yet. But when I do, it’s going to be awesome.

Prehistoric Glaive Tier 2– Awesome.

Prehistoric Glaive– So. Awesome.

Prehistoric Glaive Tier 3– What do you require, young one?

Glaive– What weapon item do I buy?

Prehistoric Glaive Tier 3– Ah, so you wish to cull the meek from this world, to split the–

Glaive– Can we hurry this up?

Prehistoric Glaive Tier 3– Oh, sorry. You should get….a BONESAW! 12% shred per stack for 6 stacks!

There is a long silence. Smiles creep across the faces of the Grangor standing around the fire. Soon they all erupt in laughter.

Glaive– Is he serious?

Prehistoric Glaive– Hah, that’s grandpa for you.

Prehistoric Glaive Tier 2– Get with the times, pops! That hasn’t been meta in ages!

Glaive– So, Sorrowblade?

Prehistoric Glaive– Sounds about right, want some roasted animal?

Glaive– No thanks, I need to get back.

Prehistoric Glaive Tier 2– You shouldn’t be fighting on an empty stomach.

Prehistoric Glaive Tier 3– You’ll get palpitations.

A big purple question mark appears on top of the fire, quickly followed by another. Yellow caution signs blanket the area and a green target icon appears that moves closer to Glaive.

Prehistoric Glaive Tier 3– Uh oh.

Glaive feels the impact of several attacks all at once. His health bar melts with blinding speed. With a final roar, he falls to the ground and slowly dissolves.

Prehistoric Glaive– Ah, should have built defense.

Prehistoric Glaive Tier 2– He was a glass cannon? How naïve.

Prehistoric Glaive Tier 3– Kids.


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