Dead and Back Again: A Creep’s Tale

double small camp

Deep in the jungle of The Halcyon Fold, near the shop, two creeps, Jeff and Marty, blink into existence. A howl can be heard in the distance.

Jeff: What was I saying? Oh yeah, so Gina says to me, “Maybe if you had a Sorrowblade, you would actually kill a hero once in a while.”

Marty: Good luck! Doesn’t she even know you gotta get a Swift Shooter first?

Jeff: That’s not the right build path.

Marty: Huh?

Jeff: Nevermind. So, I say, “Where do you suppose I get that kind of gold?” And you know what that creep says? “Maybe you could kill Marty a few times.”

Marty: That would take forever. We’re worth, like, 22 gold.

Jeff: On a good day! I tried to explain that what we do here is more nuanced than just getting murdered over and over, but she wasn’t having it.

Marty: Not just anybody can do this. Day after day. Forever. With no hope of promotion or salary.

Jeff: That’s right, it takes guts.

The creeps fist bump. It’s adorable.

Jeff: I think she’s churning Dominick.

Marty: The Miner?

Jeff: She was going on the other day about how at least he had an income and prospects.

Marty: Sure, but he’s always, like, four minutes late for work.

Jeff: Exactly! What is he doing that takes four extra minutes every churning time?

Marty: Um, have you ever thought… (Marty makes a clumsy obscene gesture with his hands) You know, him and Gina.

Jeff: Storm Queen on a step ladder, Marty! Gross!

Marty: You brought it up.

The howl grows close.

Marty: I think he’s back.

Jeff: Yea, now remember, whatever happens just keep attacking the wolf. Steady, repetitive swings.

Marty: But “Knife-hands-cat-ears-one-eye” always pops out and gets us.

Jeff: We need a better name for that guy.

Fortress pounces on Jeff. Marty and he start attacking with gusto.

Marty: Bad wolf! Bad! Wolf!

Taka flips into the picture and takes half of Marty’s life away.

Marty: Churn that hurts!

Jeff: Hang in there, Marty!

Taka is deaf to their cries and attacks again, Marty is now mortally wounded. Fortress is looking at something else entirely.

Marty: So much blood…I think I see my liver…

Jeff: Just keep mindlessly hacking!

Taka deals a final blow to Marty.

Marty: Nana, is that you? I’m coming…

Marty dies.

Jeff: You killed my friend you churning skvader-dung sniffing–

Jeff is killed in an equally merciless and painful way. Taka and Fortress leisurely visit the shop, face-check the opposing bushes for enemies, and frolic back to start their jungle farm again. Several quiet moments pass before Jeff and Marty once again materialize.

Marty: That wasn’t my nana.

Jeff: I know.

Marty looks Jeff up and down.

Marty: I was thinking…didn’t you used to be bigger?

Jeff: I don’t want to talk about it.

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