Humor

Dead and Back Again: A Creep’s Tale

double small camp

Deep in the jungle of The Halcyon Fold, near the shop, two creeps, Jeff and Marty, blink into existence. A howl can be heard in the distance.

Jeff: What was I saying? Oh yeah, so Gina says to me, “Maybe if you had a Sorrowblade, you would actually kill a hero once in a while.”

Marty: Good luck! Doesn’t she even know you gotta get a Swift Shooter first?

Jeff: That’s not the right build path.

Marty: Huh?

Jeff: Nevermind. So, I say, “Where do you suppose I get that kind of gold?” And you know what that creep says? “Maybe you could kill Marty a few times.”

Marty: That would take forever. We’re worth, like, 22 gold.

Jeff: On a good day! I tried to explain that what we do here is more nuanced than just getting murdered over and over, but she wasn’t having it.

Marty: Not just anybody can do this. Day after day. Forever. With no hope of promotion or salary.

Jeff: That’s right, it takes guts.

The creeps fist bump. It’s adorable.

Jeff: I think she’s churning Dominick.

Marty: The Miner?

Jeff: She was going on the other day about how at least he had an income and prospects.

Marty: Sure, but he’s always, like, four minutes late for work.

Jeff: Exactly! What is he doing that takes four extra minutes every churning time?

Marty: Um, have you ever thought… (Marty makes a clumsy obscene gesture with his hands) You know, him and Gina.

Jeff: Storm Queen on a step ladder, Marty! Gross!

Marty: You brought it up.

The howl grows close.

Marty: I think he’s back.

Jeff: Yea, now remember, whatever happens just keep attacking the wolf. Steady, repetitive swings.

Marty: But “Knife-hands-cat-ears-one-eye” always pops out and gets us.

Jeff: We need a better name for that guy.

Fortress pounces on Jeff. Marty and he start attacking with gusto.

Marty: Bad wolf! Bad! Wolf!

Taka flips into the picture and takes half of Marty’s life away.

Marty: Churn that hurts!

Jeff: Hang in there, Marty!

Taka is deaf to their cries and attacks again, Marty is now mortally wounded. Fortress is looking at something else entirely.

Marty: So much blood…I think I see my liver…

Jeff: Just keep mindlessly hacking!

Taka deals a final blow to Marty.

Marty: Nana, is that you? I’m coming…

Marty dies.

Jeff: You killed my friend you churning skvader-dung sniffing–

Jeff is killed in an equally merciless and painful way. Taka and Fortress leisurely visit the shop, face-check the opposing bushes for enemies, and frolic back to start their jungle farm again. Several quiet moments pass before Jeff and Marty once again materialize.

Marty: That wasn’t my nana.

Jeff: I know.

Marty looks Jeff up and down.

Marty: I was thinking…didn’t you used to be bigger?

Jeff: I don’t want to talk about it.

Brerman

I'm a Pretty Good player and really into the lore and world created by SEMC. I'm writing stories for Broken Myth for as long as they'll have me. Find me in game (Brerman) and Twitter (Brerman_vg)

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