Vainglory News

Jeff and Marty’s Summer Fling: Condo

The front door of a middle class condo jiggles endlessly before opening. Marty struggles to relieve the key from the lock, Jeff following behind with a couple of busted old Adidas duffle bags.

Jeff– Not bad.

Marty– This place is a mansion!

Jeff dumps the bags on the floor and looks around.

Jeff– Is the owner home?

Deep Voice– Yep.

A Red Brambleback from League of Legends saunters around the corner. His bulk brushing the walls as he approaches the two creeps.

Marty– Louis! Thank you so much!

Marty rushes over and vigorously shakes his hand.

BramblebackLuis, not a problem.

Marty– Jeff, this is Louis. Our illustrious host.

LuisLuis, nice to meet you.

Jeff– You too, Louis. We really appreciate you letting us crash here for a while.

Luis– No worries. I understand you guys are still getting on your feet.

Marty– Can I look around?

Luis– Be my guest. (To Jeff) So, how’s the mobile world?

Jeff– Good, good. Growth has been huge lately, hoping some benefits might be coming soon.

Luis– Stock options?

Jeff– Water breaks. Are you allowed to leave?

Luis– Oh yeah, take a 15 minute break every 20 minutes, 2 hour lunch with per diem, 8 paid weeks of vacation a year.

Jeff– F*** you.

Luis– I get that a lot.

Marty– Are these couches real??

Luis– Real what?

Marty– Couches.

Luis– Yea, man.

Marty– My word.

Luis (to Jeff)- There are drawbacks, of course. Over a hundred champions means a couple thousand ways to die. The variety is nice but the spectrum of pain is ridiculous.

Jeff– Oh yeah, we got this guy that comes out of nowhere and just double stabs you with armblades. Real cocky about it too. I mean, it’s not like we move around.

Marty (from down the hall)- He’s got a toilet!

Jeff– We have a hole.

Luis– Be patient.

Marty comes running down the hall.

Marty– Jeff, three TVs!

Luis (gestures to a rack)- Got a bunch of movies, too.

Marty scoures the rack.

Marty– Commando, True Romance, Braveheart, Dragonheart…Ohh!! (Rips a DVD off the rack) The Good Son!

Luis– Love that one.

Jeff– What is it?

Luis– It’s-

Marty– Amazing! Elijah Wood plays this kid that goes to stay with his cousin, Macaulay Culkin, but Macaulay is super evil and starts killing people, but his Mom doesn’t believe it’s happening, and Elijah is all freaked out that he’s gonna get it too. Then the end they’re all on the edge of the cliff for some reason (Marty jumps up on the couch and hangs over the back) and the boys fall but the Mom grabs both their hands (Marty demonstrates) and she’s looking into their eyes and at this point she knows her son is evil but it’s her son, you know? She can’t pull up both and has to make the decision and you can see it’s killing her and the camera is zoomed way in on her face and you notice she’s probably too young to be the mother of a preteen and then she finally decides to drop Macaulay and save Elijah!

Marty flops back onto the couch, exhausted.

Luis (wiping a tear)- Gets me every time.

Jeff (not impressed)- Yeah, sounds great. Thanks again, Louis.

LuisLuis, no problem. I’m gonna get out of here, got a massage and then taking a jet to Hyrule for dinner with Ganondorf. Have fun guys.

Marty (from the couch)- You’re the best!

Luis– Don’t mention it.

Luis leaves.

Jeff– So, what should we do first?

Marty (leaping off the couch)- Hope you brought your dancing shoes, because I’m making dinner! Get your fanny pack.

Jeff– I don’t have one.

Marty– Great! Let’s go!

The creeps head out the door, leaving it wide open.

To be continued…

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