Julia Buys The Goat


Out in the gently meadowed countryside, a veritable buffet of dead and dying goats litter the field. Gerald, ex-ice cream shopper manager and current goat dealer, wanders the grass with a heavy club, finishing off injured goats. Julia, wife of Ardan and mother of the two most OP twins this side of “Property Brothers”, hops off her refurbished antique bicycle and approaches. 

Julia– Excuse me.

Gerald– Hello. Be right with you.

Gerald raises the club to whack a goat.

Julia– Wait!

Gerald (Not lowering the club, because he’s all revved up to bludgeon)- Yes?

Julia– What happened?

Gerald– Oh! This wasn’t all me. Well, not mostly. (Pointing to a few) That one, that one annnnnnd that one were me. But I had to. Wolf attack.

Julia (taking in the carnage)- Cheese and Kraken, how many wolves were there?

Gerald– One. Then four. Then one again.

Julia– I see…

Gerald has been drinking, but that’s not the problem here.

Gerald– What can I do for you?

Julia– I’d like to buy a goat.

Gerald– Take your pick. I’ll give you a discount on the dismembered ones.

Gerald moves to whack a goat that’s screaming something horrible.

Julia– Stop! I’ll take that one.

Gerald– Sure thing, lady. Let me just smash her first.

Julia– No!

Gerald– But she’s only got three good legs. The wolf or wolves chewed the other one up pretty bad.

Julia– I don’t care.

Gerald– Well, I think she does. (Pointing at the goat) Won’t stop yelling about it.

Julia– It’s fine.

Gerald– Pretty far from fine. I’d say traumatized and losing blood.

Julia– I mean, she will be fine.

Gerald– Ohhhh. (waggles finger) I get ya.

Gerald raises the club.

Julia– I didn’t mean hit it!

Gerald– Strangle it?

Julia– No!

Gerald– Ah, poison! I might have some. (Looks in his pockets for poison)

Julia walks over and pushes Gerald aside. Kneeling next to the goat, she wipes her hands on her skirt.

Julia– I want to help her.

Gerald– Lady, if you’re going to yank that leg off with your hands, I need to leave. I know a guy back in town that will definitely want to see that.

Julia rests her hands on the goat’s injured leg and magics. The magic is beautiful beyond description, which saves this narration a lot of effort. When the magic is done, the goat’s leg is healed. The bewildered creature takes one look at her new appendage and hops to her feet. Feeling overjoyed to be healthy again, the goat resumes screaming.

Julia– Oh, I thought I fixed it.

Gerald– Looks like you did.

Julia– But she still seems to be in distress.

Gerald– Oh no, she’s always been like that. They all were (sweeping gesture over the field of corpses), except Sassy.

Julia– Sassy?

Gerald– Yea, Sassy is the only one the wolf or wolves didn’t get. (Scanning the horizon) Ah, there he is. Give you a good price on him.

Julia gets momentarily lost in the horror that is direct eye contact with Sassy.

Julia– I’ll pass.

Gerald– Don’t blame you, I’m beginning to think Sassy is part of the reason for my loss of motor function and early on-set dementia. Great for naps, though.

Julia– How much for this one? (pointing to the healed, screaming goat)

Gerald (examines the goat like he’s seeing it for the first time)- I could do…three Grimore Pages and an Oddly Black Substance.

Julia– Are you kidding? She’s not worth more than a couple Vaporware.

Gerald– That’s an insult! This here is a majestic beast in perfect health! I should be asking at least a Proton Cluster if not an OONTZ OONTZ!


Gerald– Maybe even two OONTZ OONTZ…es!

Julia– If you got so much as a Royal Jelly, I’d eat my own Barbecue.

Gerald– I hope you’re hungry, lady, because this little dickens is gonna fetch me an epic fortune.

Julia– What, you taking her to the market?

Gerald– Headed there now.

Julia– Which market?

Gerald– All of ’em. Going to Market City.

Julia– Lot of markets in “Market City”?

Gerald– Loads.

They stand in tense silence while the goat screams.

Gerald– Aether Fuse and two Ear of Minion.

Julia– One Ear of Minion and I get rid of your hangover.

Gerald– Done.

Julia magics Gerald’s head. He feels fantastic, apart from all the severe brain damage Sassy has done. Julia grabs the goat by a horn and walks it off.

Julia– Thank you!

Gerald– Say, maybe we could get dinner sometime?

Julia– I’m married.

Gerald– Oh, I don’t see a ring, your husband must not be too well off.

Julia– Keep it up, maybe he’ll show you his ring sometime.

Julia throws the screaming goat over her shoulder and rides back home. The rest you know, and if you don’t WHAT THE HECK IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? This is the “Farewell to Arms” of Vainglory Lore! Get on that right now. No, don’t hop into solo queue really quick, head over here and read up, fool.

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