Bros Before Adagios

Adagio hovers before his turret, mopping up lane farm when the scout trap he placed in the bush pops to signal a gank. Enemy Orange Rona and Fortress pounce anyway, coming up just short of their target. As Adagio backs off, Blue Rona leaps from his side of the jungle and lands on Fortress. A deadly combination of skills and a fed weapon build obliterates the wolf in a whirlwind of blood. The Orange Rona rushes closer to Adagio, taking a turret shot in the process.

Adagio– Oooo, aren’t you motivated.

Adagio’s slow keeps her at bay, buying enough time for his teammate to interject. Blue Rona fights off Orange, chasing the attacker back to her side of the lane.

Rona (shouting after her double)- I’m gonna wear your face as my face!

On her way back, Blue Rona looks up to the right hand corner of the screen, but there’s not so much as a single smiley face or cheers mug of appreciation from Adagio. She side-eyes the support turned laner, who has gone back to farming, seemingly oblivious to her presence. She trudges back into the bush, finding Phinn waiting for her.

Phinn– I can’t jungle alone, darling.

Rona– They were trying to gank.

Phinn– Indeed, but he has yet to be killed, while twice I’ve been caught down here due to my being locomotionally challenged. Perhaps you don’t have to go up after every rotation?

Rona– She got too close that time!

Phinn– Ah, there it is.

Rona– What.

Phinn– It’s rather poetic. Almost a schizophrenic love triangle.

Rona– Speak clearly, troll.

Phinn shoots Rona a withering glance.

Rona– Sorry man.

Phinn– It’s cool. I’m saying you’re jealous, of yourself.

Rona– That’s ridiculous.

Phinn– Then let Adagio fight alone next time. Allow Rona to enter her Red Mist within his range and steal his life for her own 20 percent at a time. Hacking his iridescent blue skin with her axes…

Rona- Alright, you made your point. He can fight alone, besides it doesn’t seem like he cares either way.

Rona jams her axe unnecessarily far into a creep’s soft skull.

Phinn– Is there something else, Ro?

Rona– No.

Phinn stops and turns to Rona.

Phinn– Ro, c’mon.

Rona– I’m fine, bro.

Phinn– Ro.

Rona– Bro.

Phinn– Ro.

Rona– Bro!

Phinn– ……ro.

Rona throws an axe through the tri-bush with a grunt of frustration. In the distance, Marty yelps in pain.

Rona– He doesn’t call. He doesn’t ask me how I’m doing. He hardly even shows any interest unless it’s “business time”.

Phinn– Weak.

Rona– And we run into each other outside of work and we have a couple potions and I tell myself I’m not gonna fall for it again. Then the next thing I know we’re in the locker room or the gold mine or the Stormqueen’s walk-in closet building stacks like there’s no tomorrow.

Phinn– You need to shed that.

Rona– I know. My mom tried to warn me against guys like him.

Phinn– Jerks?

Rona– Immortal descendants of superior beings.

Phinn– A real man will want more.

Rona– I will let no man steal my kills.

Phinn (pointing to the center of Rona’s chest)- I’m talking about that.

Rona– I don’t have a boob there.

Phinn– But you do, the most enticing boob of all, your heart.

Rona (smirking)- I hope you’re proud of that line.

Phinn– I regret it terribly.

A scout trap in the bushes below the lane pops, signaling another gank by the Orange team.

Phinn– Let’s go.

Rona– I don’t want to help him.

Phinn (gives a wink)- Ro, how do you think troll became a slang word?

The duo heads up to the lane in time to see Adagio under fire from Orange Rona, Fortress and Ringo. He catches Blue Rona’s eye and smiles.

Adagio– Punctual as always.

Blue Rona and Phinn stand passively, watching the enemy team overcome Adagio’s defenses.

Adagio– Will you do nothing? I can’t quite manage this solo.

Rona (to Phinn)- Hear that? He can’t get by on his own.

Phinn– You know, I haven’t been around too long, but I don’t recall this one needing to be nerfed because he was too powerful.

Rona– I think you’re right. He’s been balanced for some time now. Meaning…

Phinn– He requires support.

Rona– Pity.

The Orange team finish off Adagio in spectacular fashion and turn to the pair with similar intentions.

Phinn– Piss off!

The Orange team stops in confusion. Blue Rona shoos the doppleganger and her party away, Ringo lingers.

Ringo (to both Ronas simultaneously)- If things are over with him, I’d instalock that in a second.

Rona– We would crush you.

Ringo– Please annnnnd thank you.

The Orange team heads down to sweep the jungle.

Phinn– Want to buy a bunch of boots and throw this thing?

Rona– Let’s get scout traps, I think that draconian turd will really get the message if I spell this out for him.

Rona and Phinn fist pound so hard that somewhere a new universe is born. Their scout trap graffiti was later reported to SEMC for inappropriate behavior. The ban was so worth it.