Humor 2

Creepy Christmas

Amid the torrent of a late game team fight around Kraken, Jeff and Marty pop into existence once again. They shake off the trauma of yet another horrible demise and turn to watch the powerful heroes battle for what very well be “GG”. Marty nudges his friend with a fat elbow. 

Marty– Just wanted to say, Merry Christmas.

Jeff (incredulous)- Are you serious?

Marty– What?

Jeff– I’m going to skip the part where neither of us have any religious convictions and go right to “What the churn do we have to be merry about?”

Celeste on team orange dies. Ardan on team blue Gauntlets orange Taka and Catherine. Ringo and Krul focus Catherine after Taka boxes. 

Marty– You know, tis the season.

Jeff– That’s not an argument, Marty. This year has been an unending nightmare.

Marty– I think it’s exciting, so many new faces around the Fold.

Jeff– Yes, great! More heartless murder machines with creative ways to make us suffer!

Catherine falls. Ringo rotates to lane.

Marty– I think you’re looking at this wrong.

Jeff– Am I? Because it feels like I’m the only one here that has any idea what’s really happening. You and I are near worthless blips in the bigger picture that is Vainglory.

The blue team finishes off orange. Krul and Ardan chasing down Taka for the Ace. Ardan heads up to push lane. 

Marty– But we get to be at every major tournament for free, and we get killed by the best players in the world!

Jeff– You have a twisted sense of purpose. That’s not an honor, no one cares about us, Marty.

Marty (throwing up his hands) Okay, that’s it, I’m done with this.

Jeff– With what?

Marty– With us, you’re nothing but unpleasant. All my feelings and opinions are stupid to you. I’m sick of being the Marv to your Harry.

Jeff– Wait, who are they?

Marty– The Wet Bandits. Not that you’d know, because Home Alone is a Christmas movie and you’re abstaining from any form of cheer it seems.

Jeff– Marty, I just don’t feel that–

Marty– You’re not as perceptive as you think, you know that? Did you even consider that we’ve been nerfed twice this year? That’s one more than Ardan and only 32 times less than Vox. Why did that happen? Because we were a factor in teams winning. Us. If they killed us first, they had a better chance of winning the whole game. How’s that for worthless?

They stand in tense silence as Krul solos the Kraken. 

Jeff-That’s pretty cool.

Marty– I don’t want sarcasm right now.

Jeff– No, really! You’re right, we do matter around here. Look, I’m sorry. Sometimes I just get stuck in a rut and I think I take it out on you.

Marty– You definitely do.

Jeff– And I’ve gotta work on myself more and be a little appreciative. Honestly, there’s nobody I’d rather get killed with. (Holds up a fist for bumping) We cool?

Marty bumps it. He makes sure the coast is clear and pulls a wrapped gift out of the brush and hands it to Jeff.

Jeff– What’s this?

Marty– Whether or not you believe in Christmas, here’s your gift.

Jeff opens the box and pulls out a Sorrowblade.

Jeff- How’d did you…

Marty- I owe the shopkeeper my first born.

Jeff– Thanks, man. Really, it’s just perfect. I feel bad though, I didn’t get you anything.

Krul comes rushing over to get some last minute farm before the big push. 

Marty- Tell you what, get a few hits in on “dusty” there and that’ll be all the gift I need.

Jeff (beaming)- Merry Christmas, Marty.

Jeff hefts his Sorrowblade and charges Krul with a bizarre battle cry. Krul is taken aback momentarily, then shrugs and hurls his sword at the creep. Jeff is stunned, rushed, and rendered a helpless pile of orange for Krul to build stacks upon. A fantastic smite finishes Jeff, sending him once again to the great beyond and leaving Krul completely unharmed.

Marty (wiping away a tear)- It’s the thought that counts.


**Note**– Thank you so much for reading and supporting this nonsense for the past six months! I’m very fortunate to have Team BrokenMyth as friends and an outlet for my “lore”.  I look forward to writing much more in the coming year. Have a happy and safe holiday and keep being the most fantastic community I’ve had the pleasure to be a part of! (I know you will)


  • Reply
    Nov 02, 2017 3:35 am

    This is great keep it up!

    • Reply
      Nov 02, 2017 4:55 pm

      Thanks for the positive comment! I let the author know you liked it. 🙂

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