Humor 2

Flares 4 Lyfe

Earlygame with an experimental team comp following the launch of 1.12, Catherine, Ardan and Phinn move together toward the jungle camp. Phinn has been holding his own against Skaarf in lane but the others have yet to run into any opponents in the jungle.

Ardan (to Catherine)- I mean, I had no idea.

Catherine– It’s okay, no one did.

Ardan– I take it all back. Everything I said to these guys, on the forums, Reddit; you did what you had to.

Catherine– I guess she could convince me to do anything.

Ardan– Heh, yeah. Wait, what do you mean…

Phinn– Fee Fi, I smell the blood of a Taka main.

Catherine– Where?

Phinn– He’s here. They both are.

Catherine– Ugh, I’m not playing this game the whole time. Everyone load up on flares.

The trio shop.

Ardan– Light it up.

Catherine– (pointing to center of jungle in front of gold mine) There.

Ardan flares to reveal Taka scampering by in his box. Phinn pulls him, a couple chain stuns, and he’s put to sleep.

Phinn– That felt great.

Catherine– Again.

All three throw up flares in different directions. Phinn’s flare shows Kestrel trying to sneak into their jungle. Pull, smash, stun, punch, goodnight.

Ardan– Let’s push lane.

Catherine– We’re not done here.

Phinn– They haven’t respawned yet.

Catherine– Wait.

A malicious little laugh trickles out from the bushes.

Catherine– Flare it.

They throw up some flares over the tri-bush. Hiding in the leaves is Teemo from League of Legends.

Catherine– You’re a long way from home, little one.

Teemo (blindly confident)- Stand down, soldiers.

Ardan (to Phinn)- You heard him, stand down.

Phinn double foot stomps the little scout. Deleted.

Phinn– That was…odd.

Catherine– All this stealth popularity, it’s gonna bring them out of the woodwork. I hope you’re all stocked up, I think we’re just getting started.

They hear footfalls behind them, Ardan flares and exposes Solid Snake trying to slip by. Snake takes in the group and raises his hands.

Solid Snake– Let’s not do this. I’ve had enough trouble to last me a few lifetimes.

Ardan– You think you’re grizzled? Try me.

Solid Snake– I’m a clone of my greatest enemy and have to routinely fight my own twin brother.

Ardan– I had to raise my twin children after she (jerks a thumb at Catherine) killed their mother in front of them, and I only just found out about a week ago that my wife asked her to do it in order to save us. Now I’m left with the guilt of not doing more to save her, hating Catherine without knowing the whole story, and using my dead wife’s magic to keep me alive as I fight for entertainment and two kinds of in-game currency.

Solid Snake– Touche.

Ardan and Solid Snake trade blows, but the super spy falls to the hardened mech-wielding father.

Phinn– That was quite heavy.

Ardan– It always is. What’s next?

Catherine flares a nearby tree. The burning light shows the Predator hiding among the branches.

Ardan– What the churn is that?

Phinn– I don’t know, but I dearly want to pull it.

Phinn yanks the Predator in. The alien hunter blasts away with his shoulder cannon, but the shots are reflected off Catherine’s Stormguard. Predator tries to run, directly into the wall of Ardan’s Gauntlet, the confusion on his face hidden behind his mask as he falls from the assault.

Ardan– More?

Catherine– Oh yea.

Another flare and Harry Potter blinks into view under his invisibility cloak.

Harry Potter– Who the bloody hell are you?

Phinn– I’m the only one around here that gets to have a vaguely English accent. Step aside, friends. This one is mine.

Harry Potter– I don’t want to hurt you.

Phinn’s snicker says it all. Harry twirls his wand.

Harry Potter– Crucio!

Phinn is impervious to the stunning power of the Cruciatus Curse. He stomps to drag Potter closer. Potter flicks his wand in desperation.

Harry Potter– Avada Kedavra.

Phinn recognizes the danger of Potter’s ultimate and reflex blocks the Killing Curse. With a few well placed Quibbles, the scarred wizard is no more. They unload more flares around the Goldmine to see Frodo Baggins wearing the One Ring to rule them all.

Frodo– No! You can’t have it!

Catherine– We don’t want it, whatever it is. (stepping up) But we do want there to be less of you running around.

Frodo– Sam, help!

Sam does not help. Catherine cuts Frodo down.

Phinn– That’s what I’m Tolkein about.

The other two wince at the pun.

Catherine– Let’s wrap this up.

Flares everywhere. The group sends the Invisible Man from HG Wells off to Elo Hell. They turn Randall from Monsters Inc into a pile of purple stink. They even kick Hollow Man’s Kevin Bacon while he’s down to make sure he’s not fakin’. At last they find a rather normal looking man by comparable standards. Somewhere in his late twenties with dark skin and a blue bandana around his head, the man is calmly sitting under a tree, drinking a Halcyon potion. Ardan and Catherine close on him, but are pulled back by Phinn.

Phinn– It’s okay, he’s with me.

Man– Hey, Phinn.

Phinn– Good to see you, Tupac.



  • Reply
    Nov 02, 2017 3:40 am

    Great post this was really funny I loved the teemo bit haha

    • Reply
      Nov 02, 2017 4:55 pm

      We’re glad you liked the post! I let the author know you enjoyed his work. 😉

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