Humor 1

Granting Full Heroship



Deep beneath the surface of the Halcyon Fold, where unpaid minion laborers struggle with over-sized pumpkins and adjust lighting to a spookier hue, lies a cavernous hall that holds great importance to all above. Audience seating encircles a single podium in the center floor that faces a large dais where three hooded figures are seated with heads bowed. The walls are carved and painted with flattering depictions of Vainglory’s greatest heroes, as well as SAW. Two small creeps wrench the great doors to the chamber open and Phinn swaggers in. The giant lizardman takes in the crowd, his anchor gouging tracks in the marble floor as he drags it. He rests one huge forearm on the podium, provoking creaks of alarm from the wood, and puffs bubbles from his pipe with whimsical masculinity. Excited murmuring through the gallery diminishes as the center figure upon the dais raises their head to speak. The hood completely shadows their face, but a dim orange light can be seen glowing within.

Center Robed Figure (smokey voice)- Phinneas, you stand before the Vainglorious Tribunal today for final approval before you may be granted full status as a hero of the Halcyon Fold. In order to be gifted said approval, you must face the arduous trials of the “Gauntlet of Increasingly Difficult Tasks”. If you fail in any part, you will meet a most unpleasant fate.

Phinn– Right, get on with it then.

Robed Figure on Phinn’s Right But Maybe Your Left Depending On How You Envision This Scene (stern voice)- Don’t get cocky, now.

Phinn– I’m not arrogant, just charmingly foreign.

“OooOOOooOoOooo” from the audience.

Center Robed Figure– Prior to today, you underwent extensive physical exam and testing to determine your viability and “OPness”. I have the results (holding up a folder) from our resident physician, which I shall now read aloud.

Subject is an enormous bipedal Lizardman of indeterminate height and weight as my scale cannot exceed 500 lbs and the hash marks on my door frame only go up to 11. His scales are nearly impenetrable, making blood testing impossible, but I am fairly certain he has blood. Subject’s lower mandible has two exceedingly large tusks measuring approximately 8 inches and resembling an Orc from Dungeons and Dragons 5th edition, of which I am currently a 3rd level Ranger and looking for a new Dungeon Master as mine has moved to Gythia with his new girlfriend. Nose resembles that of a cat, which is actually kind of adorable if you squint really hard. Physique is muscular without trying too hard, complete with belly button, which is odd for a creature normally hatched from an egg but I don’t know his life, so whatever. This is strange, below the abdomen Subject appears to have a large metallic….wait, it’s gone. I swear I saw it a moment ago and now there’s nothing. Oh well, best to never discuss it again. In conclusion, it is in my medical opinion that Subject is OPAF and worth instalocking in ranked before you’ve even gotten used to his kit. Your team won’t mind.

Robed Figure on Phinn’s Left Or Maybe Your Right, You Know What I Mean (bubbly voice)- You sound strong, I wanna fight you!

Center Robed Figure– Robed figure to my right, please hold all challenges as the Gauntlet has not begun.

Robed Figure on Phinn’s Left Or Maybe Your Right, You Know What I Mean– Hmpf.

Center Robed Figure– Let the first trial begin. Bring forth the “Creeps of Sacrifice”.

Jeff and Marty emerge from the inky shadows, they have their customary Fold weapons and look way too excited to be called the “Creeps of Sacrifice” as the name implies their imminent slaughter.

Jeff (to Marty)- Is she looking?

Marty (scanning crowd)- She’s here with Dominick.

Jeff– I know!…I know, but is she looking?

Marty (squints, leans forward, makes it real obvious who he’s looking at)- Yep. Now she’s pointing at you and smiling.

Jeff (taking that information entirely the wrong way and beaming)- Let’s do this!

Center Robed Figure– Applicant, in the Fold you will undoubtedly slay countless creeps that have neither recognizable face nor soul. Be that as it may, the butchery can weigh heavily on those without a strong constitut-

Phinn– No worries.

Phinn gathers his anchor chain and hurls the heavy metal anchor at Jeff and Marty. It slams down around the two and immediately starts dragging them toward the podium.

Jeff– Ringo’s Phantom Itches! There’s no escaping this thing.

Marty– And what’s weird, it doesn’t really have any means of holding us, we should be able to just step out of it.

The creeps are pulled right up to the hulking, scaled, pipe-brandishing Lizardgentleman. He smiles and starts two-footed stomping their soft orange bodies. The Fold shaking impacts resound through the hall and almost blot out the desperate cries of pain from Jeff and Marty. Almost. Gina feels a pang of sympathy at Jeff’s misguided attempt to impress her for a moment before remembering the rumor that Dominick the minion miner was going to get buffed in patch 1.9. She promptly wraps her ugly little arms around him and laughs with the rest of the crowd. When the pleas for mercy and bone crunching finally echoes its last echo through the great hall, the lumps of merigold colored flesh pathetically disappear. The three Robed Figures sit silently for a moment before offering a polite golf clap.

Center Robed Figure– Deftly handled, sir. But the next challenge shall not be one so easily smashed. Bring forth the “Stream of Consciousness”!

Marty and Jeff enter the room again, this time rolling a large screen on wheels between them.

Marty (to Jeff)- You looked tough.

Jeff– Really?

Marty– That’s what you want to hear, right?

Jeff– It’s the only thing holding me together at this point.

Marty– You were heroic.

The creeps stop the screen right between the podium and tribunal dais. After several long moments of searching for an outlet, they plug it in.

Center Robed Figure– Phinneas, the slings and arrows you face in our world will not only be lasers and machine guns, but also the words of the anonymous peasants that litter the digital universe we call home. This screen shall broadcast their musings in real time and it’s up to you to find balance in the chaos. (to Marty and Jeff) Ambiguous creeps I’ve never met before this very moment, flip the switch!

Marty– Hey, she spoke to us!

Jeff and Marty work in tandem to push a simple switch that was made for much larger hands. When they accomplish this task, the screen comes to life and immediately starts filling with text.

OMG! So cool!

take my money!

so hes a support?


Seems weak. Kappa

Phinn– Um, very pleased to meet you all. Yes, I will be quite satisfactory as a roam hero.

What accent is that?

Voice doesn’t match his look, SEMC change to southern gothic pls

Was there a reveal today?

I like his pipe

Need more assassins!!!!!

My friend’s brother’s roommate’s dog sitter played him in beta, he sux

Phinn– Hold on, give me a bloody chance here.


just like Skye, no one will play

when is there going to be a celeste skin????

looks slow

whats the next hero?

I’ll be sure to buy him right away kappa

Phinn (bangs fist on podium, obliterating it)- I’m going to be viable!




will there be viewer matches today?



Phinn– Okay, pardon me.

pardon? bahahahaha


Phinn– I just wanted to say-

you look like godzilla pooped an alligator

my cath build will destroy this joke

notice me senpai!

Phinn– I’m very much looking forward-

what’s next?

ice pls!!!!!!

Yea ICE! I need it for that baewitched celeste


Phinn– There are many things-

SEMC I need ICE!


how old is oldskool?

did I miss ice giveaways?

Bikini krul skin kappa

Phinn– You mindless twats!





Phinn looses an ululating howl and rushes the screen. Grabbing the nearest object, he smashes it to pieces with the hapless body of Jeff, who’s skull blissfully cracks after the third swing. When every remaining shard is shattered on the hall floor, Phinn adjusts his pipe in satisfaction and turns to walk away when he notices something horrifying. Each tiny piece of broken screen is still broadcasting the comments of the stream.

saltsaltsaltsaltsal               saltsaltsal                                      altsaltsalt                          tsaltsal       altsalt                                    saltsaltsaltsalt

            saltsa         altsaltsalt                             tsaltsaltsaltsaltsaltsaltsaltsalt                  ltsaltsalt          tsatlsalt            altsaltsalt

   saltsalt             tsaltsaltsalt                 ltsaltsaltsaltsaltsalt         ltsalt             altsaltsalt                    tsaltsaltsaltsaltsalt                  ltsa

Phinn moves to raise Jeff’s body again, but notices the corpse has disappeared. He sighs a heavy lizard sigh and turns towards the door.

Center Robed Figure– Where are you going, Phinneas?

Phinn– I take it I failed your test.

Center Robed Figure– Why do you say that?

Phinn– ‘Cuz there is no reasoning with that…that thing. It was senseless, vapid.

Center Robed Figure– So you chose to walk away.

Phinn– Yes.

Center Robed Figure– Look again.

Phinn trudges back over to the broken screen and sees all the shards have gone blank.

Phinn– I don’t understand.

Center Robed Figure– There is neither logical discussion or civil argument when dealing with those that lurk on the internet, your only course of action is to ignore.  Well done.

The Robed Figures golf clap.

Center Robed Figure– You have come to the final stage of the “Gauntlet of Increasingly Difficult Tasks”. Vainglory is, above all things, a contest of tactics and strategy. The team that executes their plan the most efficiently shall have a distinct advantage over their opponents. And so, we bring to you a new test to the Gauntlet that we call (Center Robed Figure pulls back her hood to reveal she is the Stormqueen) “Flushing the Poopstrat”. (to Robed Figure on her left) Set the scene, would you dear?

Robed Figure on Phinn’s Right But Maybe Your Left Depending On How You Envision This Scene pulls back her hood to reveal the Matchmaker.

Matchmaker– You’re five minutes into a ranked game. Jungle clear is going well and there are minimal confrontations between the teams. You notice on the mini map that the entire opposing team is pushing turret and your laner is pinging “Caution”. You head up there to see all three enemies are attacking your turret. You and your team kill them all but immediately on respawn they head straight back to your turret again and begin doing an absurd amount of damage. You kill them again but the cycle repeats. Checking the score screen, you see that your enemies have discovered a way to exploit certain items that increase damage on turrets and can therefore win the game without fighting you hardly at all. (Looks to Robed Figure on Stormqueen’s right) Your turn.

Robed Figure on Phinn’s Left Or Maybe Your Right, You Know What I Mean– Huh?

Stormqueen– You can take the hood off, darling.

Robed Figure on Phinn’s Left Or Maybe Your Right, You Know What I Mean shreds her hood with claws to reveal Koshka.

Koshka– That thing was sweaty!

Stormqueen– Decorum, please.

Koshka– Who’s deckaroom? I gotta pee, is this over?

Stormqueen– Koshka dear, please remember you are only here because you won that silly contest.

Koshka– I was the eleventh caller to (affecting a deep masculine voice) “Vox Rocks in the Mornings on 109.9 THE FOOOOLLLD”

Lightning crackles right above Koshka’s head, singeing her cute hair style.

Stormqueen– And being a part of this tribunal includes finishing the churning Gauntlet.

Koshka– Okay, okay… Line?

Stormqueen– What?

Koshka– What’s my line?

Stormqueen– Oh forget it. Phinneas, what do you do in that scenario?

Phinn– Well, isn’t that an ugly prospect. I tell you what though, I would play out the match to the best of my ability. Hopefully, my efforts and those of my team are sufficient so we can hold the enemies off until their respawn timers get lengthy enough that we could actually make progress in the opposite direction and turn the tides. However, if their cowardly tactics are victorious over genuine gameplay and we do lose, this is what I would do. I would send a friend request to each of those players, as well as any that come along after with the same trick. I would continue to participate in matches without fear of suffering that same fate as it would only give me more opportunity to devise a defense against it and gather more names. Now, I assume this kind of thing must come to the attention of the almighty SEMC and would therefore be rectified, correct?

Stormqueen– Of course. All hail SEMC.

Everyone present joins in a chorus of “All hail SEMC”.

Phinn– Splendid. When that is done, I will start with one of those players and invite them to a party.

Koshka– Troll so hard! Scout traps everywhere!

Phinn– On the contrary, I would be the best support they ever saw. I would lay every last bit of energy and life on the line to protect my carry no matter what. With positive pings and rock star peels, I would drive synergy down their throat. And when the dust clears and we win, I would give them a thumbs up. That is what I would do, because I’m a member of a community.

Very enthusiastic golf clap for all present.

Stormqueen– You’re Bo-damned right you are. Phinneas the Lizardman, you have completed the “Gauntlet of Increasingly Difficult Tasks’ and by the power invested in me by my totally wrinkled nakedness under these robes, I grant you full membership as a hero of the Halcyon Fold.

A standing ovation from the gallery and tribunal. Jeff and Marty return to the floor again and also slap their stupid little hands together.

Stormqueen– Make us proud.

Matchmaker– Go on and get that sweet sweet elo.

Koshka– Ugh, I wanna fight him now!

Matchmaker– Now is not the time, kid.

Koshka– But I gotta kill somethinnnnnnnnng.

Stormqueen (points to Jeff and Marty)- Kill those.

Koshka pounces from the dais on Marty and begins tearing into his pudgy stomach. Jeff alternates between trying to help and looking to see if Gina is watching, she isn’t.  Phinn bows graciously to the hall and turns to leave.

Stormqueen– Phinneas! One more thing.

Phinn– Yes?

Stormqueen– I’ve quite enjoyed the stories about you and your friend Blackfeather, but there doesn’t seem to be a conclusion.

Phinn– The author hasn’t released it yet, my Queen.

Stormqueen– Oh, she should get on that.

Phinn (looking into camera)- Yes. She should.

NOTE- ICE, check. Theory crafting, check. Desire to tank so hard,  double check. Can’t wait for Phinn!! See you in the Fold.

1 Comment

  • Reply
    Oct 02, 2015 11:20 am

    Love it. OP lore, again. Repeated Marty and Jeff murders. Broken screen shards depicting “SALT.” Incredible.

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