Humor Tier Lists 3

Hero Tier List: Update 1.16

We heard your feedback on the last tier list, everything from structure, to the order of heroes, to how long it took us to get it to you. To remedy this, we’ve done the following things:

  • With update 1.16 only a few days old, we have rushed to put together the best analysis available so you’re fully equipped for ranking up in the new update.
  • We’ve done a complete restructuring of the hero tiers, so that we could measure heroes with more precision.
  • Due to the balance changes and the new hero, Alpha, the past method of analysis didn’t suffice anymore. Heroes are now judged in the most appropriate fashion: their personalities and whether we would want to hang out with them.

These revisions should provide you with all the information your little mind needs to successfully pick and ban in draft mode.

Just a Butthole

Adagio – The immortal descendent of dragons that takes pleasure in the misery of others groveling for his slightest recognition is not my idea of a good time. A fun evening for Dag most likely consists of emotional abuse, ritual branding and some light torture, like that fraternity that’s one reprimand away from closing its chapter. I find nothing redeeming to comment on and therefore consider this draconian turd the worst of the bunch.


Taka – Taka got kind of a bad lot in life. Brainwashed into murderous servitude, he worked as an assassin until he was tricked into killing his own master. But what starts as the tragic opening to a great action-packed movie of redemption, culminates in a cocky brat that sneaks up behind his enemies and hacks them with crazy arm-blades. Conversation with Taka would be limited to hearing stories about all the great plays he’s pulled off and complaining about the noobs that ruined games for him. Thumbs down for toxic behavior.

Glaive – There’s intrigue to rolling up at a party with a 6-foot snow leopard man in tow, but that’s where it stops. Glaive is a hunter and killing machine that pulled off Ringo’s arm over a bet. Much to my dismay, Glaive might actually like me… as a light snack.

Alpha – This one is conflicting. Curvy murder robot probably shouldn’t ever qualify as more than a passing glance at a safe distance, but then her programming falters and I hear her tormented soul come through. That would give me just enough sympathy to try and sit down on a pile of people she’s killed to talk about her feelings until she gets a new update and then she’ll be so laggy you can’t even bother. I’ll wait for the new model to come out next month.

Rock Squalor

Rona – Is calling her “Lady Glaive” too much? This broad (by that I mean her shoulders) could break me with her little finger. She’s more intense than the Old Spice commercials where Terry Crews screams the whole time. In fact, I think even Terry Crews would be afraid of Rona. Extra points because that much scary is super sexy.

Krul – We get it, Krul, you wanna die. Flip the tape over already. I’ve bumped him up here on the hope that I could actually get him to chill and tell me some war stories from the good old days of pillaging in longboats with his boys. Also, the “corpse in the front seat that comes to life when the Wendy’s drive thru guy hands over the 6 piece spicy nugget” joke never gets old.

Blackfeather – Mr. Steal Your Girl is not hanging with my crew. He’s chivalrous and brave, but five minutes in I would be choking on his cologne and ego. We’d go to a bar where Blackfeather would proceed to swoop in on any chick I talk to, make me pay for drinks and then drive him and his harem to a party. My only solace would be cutting off his ponytail after he passed out.

Worthy Bro

Koshka – If Ted Bundy married a Cheerleader, you’d have Koshka. Peppy to the extreme, with a haunting level of psychopathy. She’s not a complete murder train, of course, so I imagine it could be entertaining to go dancing with her to some extent. But, I can’t fathom trying to have a conversation in anything but body language.

Kestrel – Kestrel seems really full of herself. But there’s also on air of overcompensation in a lot of what she does. She never really had a childhood and I’m basically a man boy in a tank top so I could very well be the base to her acid and make those waters perfect for swimming. We could grift a fortune on darts and you know this girl can drink. Plus, dat booty.


Reim – Sometimes I’m not in the mood. I want to be left alone and just dwell, but even Walter Matthau enjoyed a laugh every now and then. Reim has let the world get to him, and as garbage as it can be, you have to look on the bright side sometimes. Reim gets brought up midway on his merits as a hermit wizard guru that really would rather the world was a simpler and less idiotic place. This I can relate to. Fingers crossed, maybe he’ll teach me a spell. Boo. Yah.

Ardan – Single father and widower gets solid empathy points, but Ardan is still a drag. Now, if I could get a couple IPAs down his stubbled throat, I’m willing to bet Ardan would dig sitting around a bonfire and occasionally finding something interesting to burn. That, or we throw on ski masks and prowl the streets waiting to go all Batman and Robin on some perps.

Petal – Petal is a magical little sweetheart. Even when embroiled in battle she’s all smiles. I’m also told she’s a sociopathic Eco terrorist at heart, ready to straight up murder anyone that messes with her flora. But you know, that might be my kind of crazy. The world could use more forests and fewer lumberjacks. Besides, I’ve always wanted to frolick in the woods like a little carefree pagan and know what trees are thinking about.

Credible Friend

Catherine – The reveal that Catherine didn’t want to kill Julia shed some light on the ice queen we knew up until then. Catherine has depth and character that makes for an excellent leader and probably even a nurturing mother in the right circumstances. But that doesn’t take away from the fact that she scares the pants off me, and not in a good way. I’m comfortable saying I am not man enough for Catherine.

Ozo – Ozo is a slightly more coherent version of Koshka. Listening to his stories and goading him into irresponsible stunts would make for a fantastic Saturday night, but then Sunday morning rolls around and he’s still clowning while I’m trying to get a smoothie and some greasy food in me to make the pain go away. Then it’s Monday and I’m back at work while he’s scratching up the hood of my Mazda with his Ouroboros in the parking lot, causing my manager to call me into his office to talk about my “friend”.

Joule- Joule is Oliver Twist if he stumbled on a battle mech and started working his demons out with laser blasts and stomping. This street wise chick could show me all the shadiest hang outs and best places to steal blackberry pies off windowsills. That’s what snarky homeless kids do, right? I grew up in the suburbs.

The Shots Shots Shotness

Ringo – Here is another guy that’s had a rocky road to the Fold, but that doesn’t stop him having a demeanor almost more pleasant than Petal. Ringo has a very “whiskey zen” quality about him that reminds me of some of the seniors in college when I was a freshman that seemed to have it all figured out. He could teach me how to relax and appreciate what I have, and then crash on my couch for a month while he “waits for a sign”.

SAW – For all his unpleasantness on the Fold, being both difficult to deal with on and off your team, SAW would make on hell of a friend. I would be hard pressed to not want to talk trash while we punked fools at the billiard hall knowing I could always stand behind my boy’s enormous shoulders. A drawback is his level of intensity, sometimes you want to watch Downtown Abbey instead of Sons of Anarchy, you know?

Simply Amazballs

Skye – This my kind of woman. Takes charge of her own life and not worried about getting her hands dirty. I’m also not what you’d call a “strong” man, so I wouldn’t mind having Skye on my arm if we find ourselves on the wrong street downtown and we get cornered by some toughs. Happy to hold your purse, dear, don’t want you to get their blood on it.

Pinnacle Vodka of Awesome

Skaarf – He may grow to be a destroyer of worlds, but for now he’s freaking adorable. I’d absolutely love to have Skaarf as a friend/pet. I wouldn’t cut my lawn for months just to watch him waddle around while he chased the rodents I let loose for his enjoyment and meals. Maybe, just maybe, if I spent enough time as his Khaleesi, he wouldn’t incinerate me when he hits puberty.

Fortress – Be still my Game of Thrones loving heart, this is a dire wolf. A talking one at that. We’d play fetch, chase squirrels, roll in the grass, chase cats, munch on bacon, chase junior high kids and discuss the finer points of the Churn. Finally, if I could ride Fortress, just once, my entire world would be at peace.

Celeste – The true sweet heart of the Fold. I don’t put any consideration into if I would date Celeste or not, because I know she’s out of my league. That girl in school that spoke three languages and played varsity volleyball but went to homecoming stag because even the douches knew deep down they weren’t good enough for her. That’s Celeste. I bet her hair smells like lavender.


Vox – Like his sister, Vox has seen some stuff that would mess up just about anyone else. Instead, he always ready for a party or jam sesh. Having Vox in my crew would guarantee good times, great music, and the ultimate wingman that would never try to snake my date. If I have to explain myself, you need to get to know Vox.

Phinn – Chillest homie you could ever hope to get crushed by. An exceptionally long lifespan most likely has a calming effect on most people as you learn to not take everything so serious. Numero uno Troll and I could swag around town, scoping Bettys and feeding birds. If we got a little restless, there’s no reason we couldn’t participate in a little breaking and entering and nab some booze. What are the cops gonna do? Also, I’m still not convinced there are only bubbles in that pipe.

There you have it: the one and only way these heroes should ever be categorized. We hope this was completely useless to you. April Fools you scrubs!

Seriously though, here’s the new tier list.


  • Reply
    Avrye the Small
    Apr 06, 2016 10:11 am

    BEST. HUMOR. EVER. I agree about the whole “riding on fortress” thing. My live would be complete.

  • Reply
    Apr 01, 2016 8:47 am

    Brerman, do you mind if I politely give you two fists to the gut?

    Seriously though, that was gold. Can’t believe I got caught by the Rick roll though.

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