Mature Audiences Only

It’s been a hard match on the Fold. Vox with his team of Ardan and Glaive have suffered many defeats, losing all their turrets in the process. The opposing team of Taka, Catherine and Skaarf are fully fed and max leveled, the game is in their hands. After another brutal team fight, Glaive and Ardan are sent to the weird beyond to await respawn. The enemy team saunters into the base, mopping up the minions that attempt to make their rudimentary walk down the lane. Vox throws a few audio shots and retreats to the crystal to try one last valiant defense. The enemy team stops short and stands completely still, their own minions swarming past them. 

Vox– C’mon, let’s do this!

Taka– Nah.

Vox– What?

Catherine– We’re gonna let them (pointing to minions) finish you off.

Vox– Don’t be like that.

Skaarf gurgles and chirps.

Vox– That’s rude, man! You guys beat us, just finish it.

Vox kills the enemy minions attacking his crystal.

Vox– Now you have to.

Taka, Catherine and Skaarf start pretending to teleport back to base, but cancel it every time and just smirk. Vox grumbles and runs in to attack. He’s stunned by Catherine and the whole team backs off a dozen paces and continues to mock with teleports.

Vox– This is messed up.

Catherine– You were so happy to try constant early invades.

Taka– And setting up ganks on our little dragon friend.

Skaarf lets loose an adorable roar.

Catherine– Maybe this is payback.

Taka– Or maybe we’re just bored. Wait for your boys to come back and let’s fight again.

Vox– Why? You’re so OP it doesn’t matter.

Catherine– Maybe if you kill enough minions you’ll be able to make a comeback.

Skaarf whistles, burps and toots.

Taka– I’ll take those odds, Skaarf.

Vox– Cut it out. I don’t know who’s playing us, but it sure isn’t Ardent, so I don’t see that happening.

Catherine– Aww, too bad.

Taka– If you don’t do anything, I might have to thumbs down you for “intentional losing”.

Vox– Where do you get off, man? You played better, you should just take your win. Taunting like this is totally out of line. You guys are acting like a bunch of @$%&#!$

Taka– What did you say?

Vox– You heard me.

Taka– No, I didn’t. It didn’t sound like words.

Catherine– Yeah, it was just odd noises and dollar signs.

Vox– I said @$%&#!$

Taka– Huh?

Vox– @$%&#!$

Catherine– I feel like you’re trying to say words but nothing is happening.

Skaarf gurgles in agreement.

Vox– You really can’t hear that word?

Catherine– Nope.

Vox– Well, I’ll be churned. I’m being censored.

Taka– By who?

Vox stares off for a second, then lights up. He points upward.

Vox– By him.

Catherine– Oh, is this going to get religious?

Vox– No, not that. The guy who writes this stuff.

Vox cups his hands around his mouth and employs some really cool sound magic to blast his voice clear through the sky of the Fold and out into the alternate world of some unsuspecting slob.

Vox– Hey!

There is no response.

Vox– You! The guy. Yea, you’re typing this right now!

The realization dawns that Vox may be talking to me. I deny the notion.

Vox– Nope, you were right, it’s you.

I sit in disbelief for a long moment.

 

 

 

 

 

I decide to at least try.

Brerman- Hello?

Vox– Hey, man.

Brerman– What’s happening?

Vox– I want to talk to you about why I can’t say @$%&#!$

Brerman– We’re trying to keep it clean.

Vox– So no swearing?

Brerman– Right.

Vox– But you had the Storm Queen naked in that one scene. And there’s been a ton of violence.

Brerman– Good point, but those are kind of gray areas.

Vox– Look, you know they’re being total turds here. Let me have just one.

Brerman (I wipe sweat on my X-men tshirt that I’m seriously wearing right now)- I’m going to have run this up the chain.

Vox– I can wait.

I stand up from the computer in my office/guest room and walk down the halls of BrokenMyth.net to Gadianton’s office. I knock, knowing Gadianton is working on some serious math as always.

Gadianton–  Come in!

Brerman– Hey man, Vox wants to swear.

Gadianton– Hmm, which one?

Brerman– I don’t know, but he’s pretty ticked so it’ll probably be bad.

Gadianton– I just took over this site, like, Monday. Let me check with Ady.

Brerman– Alright, thanks.

Gadianton leaves his office and heads out of BrokenMyth.net headquarters, hopping into a private jet emblazoned with “BM” on the side. He flies out to the Super Evil Mega Corp Lair, located in parts unknown. Making it through seventeen security check points, he enters the Lair and finds AdyEndrus’ desk. The new SEMC hire is buried under piles of paperwork.

Gadianton– Hey, Ady.

AdyEndrus (muffled from paperwork)- What’s up, Gaddie?

Gadianton– Brerman said Vox wants to know if he can swear in a story?

AdyEndrus– Oohh, my first impression is “no.” I mean, kids read that stuff, you know?

Gadianton– True, but allow me to counterpoint?

AdyEndrus– Go ahead.

Gadianton– Kids are probably used to swears, because the internet.

AdyEndrus– That’s fair, but I’d still like to make sure it’s appropriate for the character. I’ll be back.

AdyEndrus struggles but finally frees himself from his new avalanche of responsibility. Limping down the hall of the Lair, he lurches into PlayoffBeard’s chambers.

AdyEndrus– Hey, POB.

PlayoffBeard– What is it, slave?

AdyEndrus– Gadianton told me Brerman mentioned that Vox is talking to him and wants to swear. Is that canon?

PlayoffBeard– Hmm, quite the quandary. Wait here in complete silence!

PlayoffBeard stalks down the hall with an intensity to match his facial hair. He almost falls into a pit of spikes, ducks under a swinging axe and barely misses poisoned arrows from the walls but makes it unharmed (this time) to the Office/Library/Sanctuary of SugarVenom, scribe and lore mistress of Vainglory. SugarVenom is working hard on some really complex lore that’s going to blow your feeble, little mind.

PlayoffBeard– Hey Sugar, AdyEdnrus said Gadianton said Brerman said Vox asked if he could swear. Would that fit your vision of the character?

SugarVenom (looks up, fire in her eyes)- Hell yes.

PlayoffBeard– 10-4.

PlayoffBeard gives hand signals to AdyEndrus down the trapped hall, who relays the message to Gadianton, who travels back to the Broken Myth offices to tell me. I finish the Belgain White beer I bought at Aldi and return to my computer to type out to Vox that he can, in fact, swear.

Brerman– Alright man, it’s cool, but let’s not go overboard. Why don’t you stick to just one for now and make it count.

Vox– Okay, thanks.

Vox returns his gaze to his enemies. The other heroes are entirely perplexed by his shouting, waiting, and then shouting again at the sky. Stepping up to them with his best swagger, he purses his lips and stabs a finger in their direction.

Vox– You guys are unmitigated as—- No, better. You stanky rachet bi—– (deep breath) Dudes, you’re piles of s—

There’s a long silence. Vox’s eyes go wild with possibilities. He stutters and stumbles.

Vox (to himself)- Damn, this has gotta be good. (Eyes light up. To his enemies) Go $&%# yourselves! Wait, what?

Brerman (I sigh)- You used it up on the “D word”.

Vox– No! One more!

Brerman– Sorry, homie.

Vox AFK’d the match out of pure shame. Moments later, the enemy minions destroyed the Vain crystal. Post game, Ardan and Glaive gave their enemies thumbs down for their behavior and Vox one too for messing up that golden opportunity.