Blitz Bar, the hottest new joint in town, is positively popping tonight as all the Halcyon locals charge in for the “wasted in 5 minutes or less” promotion. The pretty young bartender is swamped with demands for doubles and triples of the strongest potions this side of the Fold. Just when shes about to go on break, a mass of masked muscle ponies up to the bar and slams down a meaty fist.
SAW– GIVE SAW DRINK.
Bartender– You don’t have to shout, darling, I can hear you.
SAW– SAW NO SHOUT.
Bartender– Okay, what’ll ya have?
SAW– BOOZE DRINK.
Bartender– I got that, what kind?
SAW– ALCOHOL KIND. SAW WANT GET DRUNK.
Bartender (rolling her eyes)- No problem.
She concocts something or other and slides it over to him. The big lug splashes some on his mask and nods approval. SAW sits down with his beverage, quietly splashing when someone nudges his shoulder. In an instant, SAW’s trusty blue blade of death is in his hand and ready for stabbing. The face of his attacker calms the instinct to kill. Momentarily.
Lance– Good evening.
SAW– NIGHT NIGHT.
Lance– I’m surprised to see you out. Thought you were an all business kind of guy.
SAW– SAW PUSH.
Lance– Exactly, so what’s the occasion?
SAW– SAW LIKE PATRONIZE LOCAL BUSINESS, KEEP BIG INDUSTRY FROM SATURATE MARKET WITH COOKIE CUTTER CRAP.
Lance– Well said.
SAW– NO, SAW SAID.
Lance– Yes, you did.
Lance raises his “excuse me sweetheart” index finger, catches her attention and orders himself a drink. It’s something really smooth and sofisticated that you’d never be able to handle. She brings it to him with a smile, he tips her with a big bill and a wink. They are most definitely going to rendevue later, but let’s not get focused on the wrong part of the story. Sipping his cocktail, Lance clears his throat and turns back to SAW.
Lance– Mind if I ask you something?
SAW– TWO MILLION GOLD.
SAW– SAW SPEND NIGHT WITH YOU FOR TWO MILLION GOLD.
Lance– Oh…OH. No, that’s not it.
SAW– AND YOU NOT MICHAEL DOUGLAS, WHAT QUESTION?
Lance– Please don’t take this the wrong way, but, why do you talk like that?
SAW– SAW TALK LIKE SAW TALK.
Lance– While that is both existential and true, it kind of proves my point. Look, I haven’t been around as long as some but the other heroes tell me you used to have a bit more, you know, variety in your articulation. Then one day you slipped into this “lock of the old caps” and never went back. I think it robs you of some of your natural eloquence.
SAW– WHO ROB SAW? SAW NO HAVE RENTERS INSURANCE.
Lance– SAW, I think you know what I mean.
SAW splashes the rest of the drink onto his mask, some gets in the holes. He appears to swallow those drops.
SAW– IS POSSIBLE.
Lance– I don’t want to push too hard here-
SAW– SAW PUSH.
Lance– Try to stay on topic.
Lance– Why keep it up?
SAW (his shoulder slumping for the first time in recorded history)- COMEDY.
SAW– COMEDY HA HA.
Lance– What’s funny about this?
SAW– SAW NO KNOW! PUBLIC LIKE, GIVE VOTE AND HEART AND SAY “IS FUNNY”.
Lance– Those things don’t have any real value.
SAW– SAW KNOW! BUT FEEL GOOD.
Lance (Gythian sigh)- Yeah, they sure do.
SAW– SAW SEEK VALIDATION BUT MOST TIME SAW FEEL ABRASIVE AND RUDIMENTARY. SOMETIME….SAW THINK SAW MIGHT BE MEME.
The music cuts with a record scratch and every head in the bar turns toward SAW, faces aghast.
Lance– SAW, buddy, look at me. Don’t say that, don’t you ever say that! You are so much more than a simple one note meme. You have layers.
SAW– NO KID SAW. SAW HAVE LESS DEPTH THAN GANKSTARS’ ROSTER.
Vox pops up from behind the bar.
Vox– Does Skaarf have a cold, because that burn was sick!
Lance and SAW stare blankly.
Vox– That’s all.
Vox dips back down, never to be seen again, at least for this story.
Lance– Listen, memes are trivial and overused.
SAW– SAW HAVE LOW PICK/BAN RATE.
Lance– And they don’t offer the surprises you do.
SAW pulls a bouquet of flowers from his sleeve and hands them to Lance.
Lance– See?! I didn’t know you had that, or sleeves. You’re a wonder, my man.
SAW– SAW WONDER?
Lance– SAW. Wonder. Now, how bout this…what if you drop the caps, just for a moment. See how it feels.
SAW– S-SAW D-DoNT…
Lance– C’mon, like a bandaid.
SAW– I’m just a tad concerned of coming off as aloof, is all.
Lance– Well, give it a-
SAW– And in the past I’ve alienated people with my choice of colloquialisms.
Lance– Not everyone is gonna-
SAW– I sincerely appreciate this Lancelot.
Lance– That’s not my name.
SAW– Would you like to see my Proust collection?
Lance (signaling bartender)- Babe, the usual!
Bartender slides an Atlas Pauldron down the bar to Lance.
Lance– Sorry bud, it’s for the best.
Lance slams the Pauldron down in front of SAW and makes a hasty retreat. SAW unleashes a visceral howl and instantly starts spraying bullets everywhere.
SAW– SAW OVERREACT!
Blitz Bar closed its doors that night. Actually, they were shot off.
Latest posts by Brerman (see all)
- Vainglory Comic: Skin to Win - July 7, 2017
- Hard to Swallow: An Incomplete List of Things Grumpjaw Has Eaten - March 19, 2017
- Valentine’s Day 2017 - February 14, 2017