Elo Limbo

A frustrated Ringo storms out of the Fold, tossing back the last few drops from his gourd and hurling it to the ground.

Ringo (to himself)- How the churn am I supposed to rank up? Every match is full of morons or guilds. This is ridiculous!

Merry Voice– Ooooooh, havingz some troublez are youze?

Ringo (swinging his head around)- What’s talking?

Merry Voice– I iz. Just littlez ole me.

Ringo– Where are you?

Ringo feels a tug on his pant leg. He looks down to find a blue, pot-bellied creature about the size of a jungle creep. The peculiar thing is wearing a white hat and pants. He smiles a disarming grin beneath his bulbous nose.

Ringo– The character creation is getting lazy around here.

Blue Creature– Tehehehehe! I’m not a hero, heavenz no! I’m Elo Smurf! I just wanted to tellz you there iz another wayz.

Ringo– Elo Smurf? You can help me rank?

Elo Smurf– Why rank upz, when you can rank down? Go wayyyyyy down, where your talentz are like of the Godz!

Ringo– I’m listening, and aroused, but that’s unrelated.

Elo Smurf– Come thiz wayz!

Elo Smurf prances down the hall to a small blue door that Ringo has never noticed before. elo Smurf turns the nob and swings it open, basking the hallway in pale light.

Elo Smurf– Insidez insidez!

Ringo (taking a nip from his emergency flask)- Away we go.

Ringo crawls through the door and finds himself on the platform at the beginning of a new match.

Ringo– Wait, I didn’t want to just play again.

Elo Smurf– Back there, you werez competing. Here, you only winz! These little playerz iz way below your skill levelz, they can’t possiblyz fight you!

Ringo (turning to the Ardan next to him)- Excuse me, what’s your rank?

Ardan– I just hit Not Bad.

Ringo– Bangarang.

Ardan– What?

Ringo– Uhh, me too.

Elo Smurf– Do youze like what youze seez?

Ringo– I can just do this?

Elo Smurf (nodding emphatically)- Welcomez to youze new playgroundz!

THE BATTLE FOR THE HALCYON FOLD HAS BEGUN

Ringo leaps off the platform with joy and heads down the lane. Meeting Vox in the center of the lane he immediately starts poking and prodding the hapless sound mage, corralling him back toward the turret. Vox tries to fight back and falls to Ringo’s gun with ease.

Ringo– Suspiciously easy…

Glaive Afterburns out of the bushes and misses Ringo, punting a minion instead. Ringo turns on him and melt’s the big cat’s life away with expedience.

Ringo (marveling at his own power)- I’m unstoppable.

Elo Smurf (stepping out of the bush)- Tehehehe! Make themz suffer!

Ringo farms up, buys some items and heads into the jungle, killing Catherine and Glaive again before heading back to the lane and annihilating Vox once more. Laughing maniacally, he lies down in the lane and proceeds to lazily shoot his enemies one by one as they struggle to make any sort of headway. As his merciless executions continue, the scene fades to black and white as a tired looking man with crooked teeth  walks down the lane.

Man– In every 1,000 games played on the Halcyon Fold, there are no less than 347 “smurfs” in matches well below their own skill level. That means that one out of every three players has an unfair advantage on their opponents. Now, I just made up that statistic, but it’s scary isn’t it? Hi, I’m Steve Buscemi, “Hollywood’s Uncomfortable Uncle” and star of Boardwalk Empire, Reservoir Dogs and Fargo. But just how Far would you Go in order to win?

Steve Buscemi walks down in the bushes, Vox is hiding from the Ringo, shivering uncontrollably.

Steve Buscemi– This Vox just started playing Vainglory last week. He’s still trying to grasp the mechanics of the game and hasn’t even learned what the word “meta” means yet.

Vox– I can’t hit him!

Steve Buscemi (looking back to lane)- It’s okay, he’s gone now.

Vox runs into lane and is immediately shot down by Ringo.

Steve Buscemi (pointing at Vox’s body)- See? A lamb to slaughter. A player like Vox quits Vainglory every 6 minutes due to smurfing. Again, fake fact, but real scary.

Steve Buscemi shuffles in his loafers up to the bush above lane where elo Smurf sits and rubs his hands together while watching the flawless success of Ringo.

Steve Buscemi– Your abilities on the Fold should be tested, as real competition is the only way to truly improve. I ask you players, don’t give in to smurfs like this.

Elo Smurf– Who meeeez?

Steve Buscemi– Smurfs tip the scales unfairly, hoard Elo they don’t need and even tear families apart. Did you know Catherine was smurfing when she killed Julia? And that one is true.

Elo Smurf (to Steve)- Youze were boringz in “Ghost World”.

Steve Buscemi– Stay here, I’m gonna go get the wood chipper.

Steve Buscemi mopes slowly out of the frame, shaking his head in dismay.

Announcer- This has been a paid advertisement by the Standardized Equitable Matches Coalition, a group dedicated to the principle that all games should be free of smurfing. SEMC urges you not to smurf under any circumstance and to sever all ties with any of your friends that do, not even answering the door for them if they are on fire. Thank you for your attention. We now return you to Vainglory International coverage with CullTheMeek. Cull…Can you hear me, Cull? Come innnnnn Cull.