Humor 5

Teammate Has Left The Party

The door slams open to the Fold male locker room. Ringo swaggers in, followed by Vox and Ardan with arms around each other. As the door is about to close, Krul’s bony hand lightly pushes it back open. He shuffles past the group to his locker and sits on the bench.

Ringo: Celebratory drinks!

Ardan: Here! Here!

Vox: Oh, as opposed to your pre, early, mid, and late game drinks?

Ardan (to Vox): Salty from zooming into that Gauntlet?

Vox: If I could have double proc’d…

Ardan: Quit living in the past, boy.

Vox: Well, my farm was off the charts!

Ardan: It wasn’t enough to handle Team Krardan! Ain’t that right my little zombie viking?

Krul says nothing, staring straight ahead.

Ardan: Soooo Ringo, what are you up to this weekend?

Vox: Why even ask? Ringo is free every week! Oooooohhhh, someone get Skaarf to Fan the Flames on that rotation burn!

Vox high fives himself. Adagio floats by, completely naked, to the showers.

Vox: Oh churn, Daj! Cover up!

Adagio: Towels are plebeian.

A metallic bang turns everyone’s head away from Adagio’s overly-toned buttocks that they were pretending not to notice. Krul punches his locker a second time.

Ringo: Whoa, what’s going on?

Krul: Can’t remember the combination.

Ringo: Alright, alright…I know you got thousands of years of memories up there but let’s try to figure this out.

Krul: Forget it.

Krul rips the sword from his chest in a cloud of marrow dust and throws it down.

Ardan (coughing on decay stink): C-c’mon there. It’s alright. What’s bugging you?

Ardan puts a paternal arm over his shoulder, and tries to not look weirded out. Krul shrugs it off and spins to face him.

Krul: This isn’t working!

Ringo (indicating the lock): You didn’t try any numbers.

Krul (ignoring Ringo): You and me, Ardan. We’re not a good fit.

Ardan: What? Like, you don’t want me as support? Is it because I took that creep one time by the shop?

Ringo: Talking ’bout Marty?

Krul: Oh yeah, just that one time. Like that one time you “forgot” to place scout traps by the miner??

Ringo: Chill, man. Want a drink?

Krul: No thanks. My liver is shriveled and black, like this partnership.

Vox: Hey hey, pops is the best support out there, when Catherine isn’t building Clockwork.

Krul: Tell that to Julia!

Adagio (from the showers): Meeee-yow.

Ardan: I know you’re upset, so I’m going to let that slide. What’s this all about?

Krul: You’re…you’re too safe, okay? Peeling when I’m not running. Always rushing over to Vanguard when I’m at half health. Do you know how much I can lifesteal with Spectral Smite on overdrive?

Ardan: 9% percent per stack?

Krul: That’s level 3! Hello, have we even met?

Ardan: Look, I’m sorry. But we can work this out.

Krul sniffs, a flaky tear rolls down his mummified cheek tendons.

Krul: No. I’ve met someone else.

Ardan: Who?

Krul: Someone who gets me. That knows I want to run free. Pounce instead of block. Someone, who actually builds damage from time to time.

Ardan: That churning dog. Fortress is a fad! His kit is exciting and aggressive, yea, but have you seen his early game lately? Petal could take him.

Vox: Busted!

Krul: Well, I’ve seen him turret dive. He’s like a swan. A vicious, ace-sealing, bacon-eating, aquatic bird of majesty.

Ardan: Fine, great, whatever you want. You’re being irrational. I’m not going to have this conversation.

Ardan grabs his comfy clothes out of the locker and heads for the door.

Krul: Yea, just surrender when the Kraken gets stolen, why don’t ya?

Ardan spins around with surprising grace for such bulk.

Ardan: Me?? You’re the one AFKing on this! You did the same thing with Koshka when she was getting tanky, and now she’s back to assassin and you couldn’t be happier to carry the jungle by yourself. You don’t want back up, you want someone to go fetch the kill. All the times I threw down the Gauntlet so you could escape, having to wait for respawn while you started farming again alone… I never resented that because we were a team. Partners. Now someone new and hot comes along and I’m yesterday’s flares. I won’t come between you and Poochy, but do me a favor in exchange: next time you see me in solo queue…dodge it.

Vox and Ringo stand mouth agape. Actually, Ringo is leaning against the lockers; he’s drunk. Ardan storms out. Krul grabs his sword off the floor and tries to shove it back in his chest hole. He catches a rib the first time but manages to finally cram it in.

Krul: Ummm, GG guys.

Vox gives a thumbs down. Krul lumbers out the door, which immediately swings open again and Rona enters

Vox: Uh, Rona, wrong room…(looks at Ringo)…right?

Ringo shrugs, swigs, slumps to the ground.

Adagio (from the showers): I’m in here, darling.

Rona heads towards the showers. Vox looks bewildered, then realization sets in and he blinks out the door. Ringo lazily sips from his gourd to the sound of Adagio and Rona not getting clean in the shower.


  • Reply
    May 28, 2016 1:34 pm

    …So what did Vox realize… And did Rona go there on purpose XD (FOR ADAG.IO)

  • Reply
    Jul 13, 2015 3:27 pm

    Incredible story!!! I love that each character has such a distinct personality, great writing!

  • Reply
    Jul 12, 2015 4:27 pm

    Looks like someone met a troll krul…

  • Reply
    Jul 12, 2015 9:46 am

    Awesome! You have a great comedic approach to the characters and the way you work in their kits and other aspects of gameplay is really enjoyable. I want to read more! Keep it up!

    • Reply
      Jul 12, 2015 4:30 pm

      Thank you! I had a lot of fun with this one and a few other ideas in the works. Great world SEMC has created, no?

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